Why you can't snag a good man

My definition of a good man

1. Respects a woman's mind, body, heart, and spirit.

2. Strives to improve himself physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally.

3. Self-Confidence

This is a conversation I have or a facebook status that I see a lot. I feel bad for all these women, but some more than others because sometimes it's a woman's own fault for not getting or even attracting a good man. She may even shun or scare away these men. Often times friends of these women smell something fishy and express their disapproval or concern and it doesn't deter them, so instead of trying to solve the "less than good man" problem, lets analyze the woman and what could be going on to keep her from finding a decent guy. These are the most common things I see in women that can't find decent men:

1. You're no good

Details will be covered a little bit more in later entries, but the concept needs little explanation. Light cleaveth to light and dark to dark. Dress like it's halloween and freaks will follow you. Birds of a feather flock together. Additional cliche proverb.

2. Very poor communication

If you at least communicate your needs you can still get what you want from your man or at least find out whether or not your needs can be met. There are different love languages and good communication requires a willingness to accept and use all languages. Unusually high maintenance women cannot or choose not to communicate their needs, believing it's either not necessary or that a man should just know. This is one of the quickest ways to get in the friend zone with a good man and become dissatisfied or cautious with relationships.

Case: I was really good friends with an associate for about 6 months before I knew she had feelings for me. The day I found out she had feelings for me I also discovered she wanted to date me soon after we met. At this moment the type of relationship we had started to make more sense; She became friends with my sisters, we had spent nearly every day together, were involved in major events in each others lives (e.g. birthdays), and she couldn't stand hearing about my ex who was coming back into my life. Prior to all this coming out, she broke off our friendship because she felt "hurt" about my decision to think about giving my ex another shot. It didn't occur to me that there may have been a reason that this associate took such significantly more intimate measures than my other girlfriends to express themselves to me. This associate called me a crappy friend. Few times have I ever been so livid in my life. But how am I supposed to know that I'm a crappy friend because I still have feelings for my ex and don't see you filling the girlfriend role anytime soon? How do I know that I'm okay taking the alpha role in a friendship without communicating that I want something more, when in reality I don't (the first time I invited her to hang out with me, she called it a date)? How are friends supposed to be expected to share intimate details of their lives, but at the same time know that there's a cap and what the cap is? I know for a fact that I'm not the only guy she's done this with. Such inconsistency and lack of clarity will breed suspicion and confusion in those who associate with her and may keep this associate and girls like her alone for a long time.

3. Still recovering

These women have had their hearts or trust broken. If they haven't iceboxed, the other easy road is to take whoever shows them attention.

4. Easy

Probably the most common thing I see among women who aren't finding good men. Some women are this way intentionally and others unintentionally. Good men are turned off and bored by seemingly easy women, while every other guy preys on this woman. Here are 3 ways guys tend to pick out easy women.

a. Overly flirtatious/friendly or physical - Yes there is a limit. We all know a girl like this. At parties, all the guys flock to her. There are always boys at her place. Has a different boy problem each week. Always touching a guy's elbow, locking his arm, leaning on his shoulder, or giving him hugs. In and of themselves, there's nothing wrong with any of this. A lot of girls are this way naturally and it's socially acceptable for the most part. However, socially acceptable doesn't necessarily mean normal and that's where the problems arise. This behavior sends the following message to a guy: "I'm looking for your attention". How much you engage in any of this behavior says how much of this attention you're looking for. Men, being the simple creatures we are, will then move to initiatory courtship behavior. Or if we're just horny (and all the aforementioned physical activity will aggravate this), we try to hook up with you as soon as possible.

b. Consistently immodestly dressed - Your dress and grooming are the first message you send to someone. As hot as it may be outside or as confident as you may be about how your body looks its not the only or even main message you send men when you leave it exposed. As sad as it may seem, girls who dress immodestly are mainly showing how much they're willing to give away for free. The message you send to a man is "This is how much I want your attention". And what kind of attention does this guy give you? Not the right kind and not with enough respect. Fair? Maybe. Maybe not. But that's a story for another day. The fact is that men are easily aroused. If our pants are too loose or too tight we become aroused. What do you think is happening when he views your scantily clad body? Because of this we're also more impulsive sexually. We will think with our loins if all our blood is flowing there. This is why most women think men are perverts, but fact is we're biologically wired this way. Color us perverts if that makes us so. The difference between a good man and every other guy, is the ability to bridle this cruel biological wiring. This doesn't excuse men from sexually impulsive behavior, but women don't make it easier when they choose to show more than necessary. A girl that seemingly needs our attention too much comes off as insecure and is a turn-off to any good man.

c. Your communication about men - Does it shock anybody that men actually pay attention to what you say about them individually or as a whole? We're very interested in what women think of us. We want to know what women find attractive, what they enjoy doing, and how to please them in every aspect of life because WE WANT WOMEN. This is where it gets a little tricky. The tone, language, and subject matter of a young lady's conversation about men could mark her as a target for less than decent men and a hazard for good men. Don't be so vocal about how "hot" you think a guy is, what you want to do to him when you're alone, how many guys you've made out with, how attractive you believe guys find you, etc. without expecting some scrutiny from us. I wouldn't use this language around anyone, but especially not around men. Any conversation is being silently marked; you are telling us what's important to you. So if you talk about hot guys and hooking up, we'll naturally assume that's what you want and you will have just marked yourself as a target for not so good men. Nothing tawdry, common, crude, or sleazy should come out of the mouth of a woman looking for a good man.

4. Don't actually believe in such a thing as a "good man".

Paradoxical, I know, but it happens all the time. Aside from a lot of good guys being just plain corny or vanilla, there are good men out there that are legit. When the women discussed here come across one of these men, she doesn't know how to respond. Some girls respond to this guy with a significant amount of hostility. "I can get my own door!", "I got myself here, I can get myself home", or "Just cuz you gave me a compliment doesn't mean you gettin' any of this good stuff" are among the kinds of responses to acts of kindness from a good man. Can't say I blame these girls. If you get hurt a lot or you're just a hottie, you tend to become suspicious of people's intentions. Other girls also not used to this kind of man will pretend he doesn't exist in the sense that good man = undatable. A girl's self-esteem has become so leveled that if a good guy comes along she'll assume that she can't have him because she believes she's not good enough or that his interest is purely platonic.

5. You have a savior complex

manifest in 3 forms

a. The "hard time" fixer

You see a guy who's going through a tough time or he's struggling with a significant personal issue and you just wanna "fix" him. Women by nature are nurturers. They pretty much turn into this guy's mother not realizing the task they've laid on themselves. This guy has some mountains to climb and it is not a good time for them to be starting anything with you. These men are very vulnerable and as such, their humbled and somewhat more permissive and polite temperaments should not be taken as genuine romantic interest.

b. The "socially awkward" fixer

At parties or other social events, you're that sweet girl who goes to talk to the guy who's standing in the corner or off to the side. One of my associates is this guy and here's what happened (and what usually happens with guys like him). He meets girl. Girl is only girl at this party he met. She's the only one who talked to him and took time to get to know him. My associate doesn't often get attention from girls let alone this kind of attention so he puts all his chips on girl. Since he's awkward and girl isn't interested, his attempts at initiatory courtship behavior are misunderstood and come off as creepy opening a whole 'nother canoworms.

c. The "girls are good people" fixer

This girl likes a challenge. She is somehow drawn to the guys that've had their hearts broken by some harlot and wants to show him that not all girls are mean tricks. There's a problem though. This guy is still hurting and if he's insecure enough to still be hurting over the last girl, he's also going to be insecure enough to be suspicious of you.

6. You chase men of high status

Everyone knows these people are eccentric including the girls that chase them, but you can't help it. There's something about the presence of a man that restaurants clear a table for. There's a reason celebrity relationships don't work. These men are used to having what they want when they want it and things simply go awry when they don't get it.

Case: One of my associates got set up on a date with a guy who's kind of a big deal. Good looking guy, successful, throws the biggest parties in Utah, MMA fighter, and owns a company. Didn't work out. Why? She wasn't necessarily chasing this guy, but what happened when they got together pretty much explains why I'm always a little cautious of any girl close to me dating a guy of high status: These guys have to be in control of everything - including you.

7. Emotionally Impulsive

Emotional immaturity and instability is a given and sort of the underlying factor to most of the previously mentioned problems. Impulsion, though perhaps viewed as a symptom of either, deserves special attention in my opinion. It keeps a person from wanting to talk or think about things and leaves critical decisions to the whim of a misguided emotion and it's not fair to you or those involved with you. Most women are pretty good at keeping their feelings in check when they're tested. Some are not. This issue turns a woman mean, whiney, or hysterical when her feelings are tested.

Case 1: One of my buddies has been dating a girl for a while that he fell in love with and told me he's never felt this way about a girl in his life. His girl spots a post on his facebook page from an attractive girl and sees him respond with a friendly tone. She proceeds to see what kind of correspondence these two have had in the past and finds some flirty exchanges between him and other females BEFORE they met or shortly after. This girl starts sending angry texts and then all sorts of drama ensues. Last I checked, he still hasn't calmed her.

Case 2: Shortly before my ex broke up with me, she tried kissing me in public. I freaked out a bit because I'm not used to that. I wasn't ashamed of her, but I've always understood that kind of thing to be impolite, though I didn't think about what that would mean to her. I apologized and everything realizing what I did hurt her feelings. Next day, she breaks up with me, only to make an effort to reconnect a few days after when the damage is still being done. I find out AFTER THE FACT this incident was what made her feel so uneasy, when in fact I still cared deeply about her. An emotional power struggle ensued that would last for the next year.

These are typically symptoms of women who've been emotionally scarred by love in the past or just plain have trust issues maybe due to relationships gone awry. As soon as they sense something amiss, they run, accuse, or close themselves off. Sometimes they're right and sometimes they're wrong, but they're always alone either way. Healing can happen for these women, but it's not a good man's job to facilitate it. Good men don't want a project.

8.  You don't take care of yourself
In all aspects of your life, but physically hasn't been covered thus far.  Most guys in general don't want a girl that doesn't take care of her body or make an effort to look presentable.  Most girls can't rock the no make-up look, so put it on if you look better with it on.  Go to the gym!  Not only will your body look better, but most guys like a girl  who take's care of herself.  Few things are less attractive to a guy than a girl who settles on what she has.

9.  Not "feminine"
I'm hesitant to put this one in here, too.  I've met women like this who are happily married to equally happy husbands.  Nonetheless, instances of such occurrences are few and far between and is a real turn-off. It's not really fair that a girl who doesn't fit society's mold of what a woman is should be deemed less than ready for masculine companionship, but that is the world we live in.
Case:  The female jock - Not to say all female jocks are like this, but this is the picture from high school that comes in my mind when I think of this type of girl. She stands with erect and defensive posture, rarely smiles, takes long quick strides with no hip movement, and maybe hawks phlegm in public.  Bottom line:  Most men are attracted to women who act like women.

10.  You intimidate men
I almost didn't want to put this in here for fear of all women reading this thinking they fell into this category, but to some of them it will apply.  This one is pushing it in my opinion, but is worth mentioning to those young ladies who find themselves single with none of the above applying to them.  Maybe you're really pretty, really smart, or way nice.  There are good men that feel like they don't measure up and won't try anything with you because of that.  Not your problem.  Don't change a thing.