Stuff guys gotta stop sweating

I'm mostly grateful for being male. I can carry heavy stuff, I run the world, and society doesn't place a lot of value on my physical appearance. Along with these 'blessings' there come several curses to the male race that I feel needs apology: We're sore losers, we're relatively emotionally unavailable, and we're kinda dumb. These things transform into greater character flaws when it comes to relationships and rather than fix them we tend to whine about them or because of them. I believe that men are less relationship literate because we're conditioned from a young age that emotions have little place in our lives. So when our emotions are triggered, we can't control them or manage them intelligently. Here are some priority items with regard to said character flaws.

1. LISTEN!!

This is especially noticable when it comes to women. We're not bad listeners, we're just nervous. We don't have faith in our wit, our intelligence, or our personality and will often be caught thinking about other things while you're talking so we have something interesting to say and prevent an awkward moment. Men can fix this if they just listen. If you got nothing to say then don't say anything, but at least vocally affirm what she's saying. That's the minimum requirement. However, if she continues to talk and you have nothing more to say than "mm-hmm" or "cool" then either your girl is mentally and emotionally out of your league, or you are pathetically inept and it's time to watch some t.v. or read some books.

2. When she's talking to other guys...

I sat on a dating panel a while back and I was silently laughing the entire time as I listened to these men talk about and validate each other on the finer points of dating. One of them was the point that women shouldn't talk to other guys when we're with them. WHY THE HECK NOT?! Well, I'll tell you. Men are insecure attention whores. The young man that was talking at the time didn't say these words exactly, but he may as well have. Your attention to us validates us and builds our confidence. Society now considers it somewhat rude for a girl to talk to a guy while spending time with a different guy because IT 'MAKES' MEN FEEL INSECURE! God forbid there's a man that's better looking or more interesting than we are. Now we've somehow restricted a woman's freedom to be who she is because it hurts our feelings. Shenanigans! Not to say that men don't appreciate it when you're politely curt with other men, but this really shouldn't be a concern.

3. When she's dating other guys...

You shouldn't care! Too many men fall in the habit of treating women poorly when they discover that a girl is exploring her options. You should be expecting this from every girl! If she's attractive enough for you to ask out, you must assume that there are like-minded who'll act similarly. Man up and continue to make your presence known. You're not out of the game yet! All you're doing is validating her decision to date around if you drop out of the race before her vote is cast.

4. When she's colder or moodier than usual...

Give her time and be gentle. Getting mad at her or prodding is not likely the best thing to do. Having grown up with 4 sisters and most of my friends being women, I know that a lot of times, women are moody or cold for no particular reason. Everybody is this way, but women more often so. Be aware of the visit from aunt rose. Most women I spend time with cycle regularly and I try to mark it so I can conduct myself accordingly. If I'm close enough to a girl, I may just ask what week she normally cycles. If a girl doesn't want to talk or seems put-offish just try sitting next to her and putting an arm around her. She normally won't fight this and you are communicating volumes without saying a word.

5. If she beats you at a game...

Curl up in a ball and cry. Men are not graceful losers. In the back of every man's mind is the assumption that we're the superior sex. Our genitalia give us greater lung capacity, denser muscle tissue, and brains 3 times the size of women's. It's science. For real though, if you take a loss to any contest with a woman less than gracefully, you are communicating that assumption and she will think less of you. Be a good sport and cry your eyes out when she's gone.

Why men like ballsy women

One of my associates is just an awesome woman. I've been privileged to be in classes and project groups with her and more so to be one of her friends. If I were a woman she'd definitely be one of my role models. She's smart, gorgeous, direct and accomplished. When we were tighter I used to pimp her out to my friends because she was that awesome.

As a man, I appreciate her confidence. This woman has game that I rarely see other women sport. She's flirty in a non-traditional way and in my opinion sexier because of it. Having watched her and heard some of her stories I've compiled a list of some things I think women gotta try at least once. Even if they don't work (which I don't anticipate happening) you'll at least get a good laugh.

1. Ask him out!

Especially here in the valley, the idea of asking a man out is taboo for some reason. A girl is negatively branded somehow if she does this. She may be desperate, needy, or too brazen. But hey, if you're feeling it, then chances are he is, too, so ask him out. You already know he's going to say yes and that will come through when you ask him out. None of the negative ideas are going through the mind of a guy that's interested in you and you often know when a guy is. Men like to feel wanted just as much as women do and this will help do it.

2. Say what's on your mind

One of my associates is awesome at this. She would sometimes tell me at the most random times in the most random ways that I looked hot or what she wanted to do to me when she got me alone. I've spoken against this before in a different context, but if you're pretty much together, you're in the clear. Girls who do this kind of thing with no shame are very attractive to us.

3. Be the aggressor on the couch and in the bedroom

Whether it's hand in hand, head on shoulder, or arm in arm, you know when a guy wants you. If you want him as well, just take him when you feel like it. This may freak a guy out a little bit, but not in a bad way. Two things are happening here: a. You're asserting your needs and letting a guy know you're not afraid of your own sexuality or intimidated by his and b. establish that YOU are the one getting some and not him. He will move at your pace and be concerned with satisfying YOU.

4. Let him know you know what's up

How many times do you watch the same guy walk by you at a party or catch the eyes of the same guy multiple times in a short period. This guy wants you and you know it. Call him on it! An associate of mine used this simple ice-breaker: "I'm attractive. You're attractive. Let's talk." The associate I talked about in the opening of this post once used the head nod to get a guy's attention! He understood that! Stuff like this will convey much more to him than your desire to converse with him.

5. Let others know what's up

After my first prom, I walked my date to her door then inside her house. Her mom and her mom's boyfriend were on the other side. We talked to them briefly then exchanged the polite expressions of enjoyment of the other's company. An awkward silence followed and I thought that was gonna be the end of the night right there. My date looks at her mom and her mom's boyfriend and says "Mom..." before cooly gesturing them to leave the room. Up to this point it wasn't clear that there was anything more going on between us to anyone else. This removed all doubt and I appreciated and enjoyed it. The next day while hanging out with my buddies she did a similar thing. As we were parting ways after seeing a movie she pulled me out of the car by my hand saying "He's coming with me". Again, I felt pretty good and found her more attractive.

6. Demand his time

Don't ask for it. This isn't as inconsiderate as it sounds, but this does for a guy a similar thing to what asking him out does. It makes him feel wanted without you seeming needy. Guys like girls who assert their needs (confident attitude), but not those who are needy(insecure attitude). Guys like a break from the alpha male role once in a while, but won't admit it. By demanding his time you give him a break and assert your needs. After telling a guy you miss him, tell him you're going to do something and when you're gonna do it. That kind of confidence is just sexy. If nothing else, it'll weed out guys who just aren't that into you.

Why you can't snag a good man

My definition of a good man

1. Respects a woman's mind, body, heart, and spirit.

2. Strives to improve himself physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally.

3. Self-Confidence

This is a conversation I have or a facebook status that I see a lot. I feel bad for all these women, but some more than others because sometimes it's a woman's own fault for not getting or even attracting a good man. She may even shun or scare away these men. Often times friends of these women smell something fishy and express their disapproval or concern and it doesn't deter them, so instead of trying to solve the "less than good man" problem, lets analyze the woman and what could be going on to keep her from finding a decent guy. These are the most common things I see in women that can't find decent men:

1. You're no good

Details will be covered a little bit more in later entries, but the concept needs little explanation. Light cleaveth to light and dark to dark. Dress like it's halloween and freaks will follow you. Birds of a feather flock together. Additional cliche proverb.

2. Very poor communication

If you at least communicate your needs you can still get what you want from your man or at least find out whether or not your needs can be met. There are different love languages and good communication requires a willingness to accept and use all languages. Unusually high maintenance women cannot or choose not to communicate their needs, believing it's either not necessary or that a man should just know. This is one of the quickest ways to get in the friend zone with a good man and become dissatisfied or cautious with relationships.

Case: I was really good friends with an associate for about 6 months before I knew she had feelings for me. The day I found out she had feelings for me I also discovered she wanted to date me soon after we met. At this moment the type of relationship we had started to make more sense; She became friends with my sisters, we had spent nearly every day together, were involved in major events in each others lives (e.g. birthdays), and she couldn't stand hearing about my ex who was coming back into my life. Prior to all this coming out, she broke off our friendship because she felt "hurt" about my decision to think about giving my ex another shot. It didn't occur to me that there may have been a reason that this associate took such significantly more intimate measures than my other girlfriends to express themselves to me. This associate called me a crappy friend. Few times have I ever been so livid in my life. But how am I supposed to know that I'm a crappy friend because I still have feelings for my ex and don't see you filling the girlfriend role anytime soon? How do I know that I'm okay taking the alpha role in a friendship without communicating that I want something more, when in reality I don't (the first time I invited her to hang out with me, she called it a date)? How are friends supposed to be expected to share intimate details of their lives, but at the same time know that there's a cap and what the cap is? I know for a fact that I'm not the only guy she's done this with. Such inconsistency and lack of clarity will breed suspicion and confusion in those who associate with her and may keep this associate and girls like her alone for a long time.

3. Still recovering

These women have had their hearts or trust broken. If they haven't iceboxed, the other easy road is to take whoever shows them attention.

4. Easy

Probably the most common thing I see among women who aren't finding good men. Some women are this way intentionally and others unintentionally. Good men are turned off and bored by seemingly easy women, while every other guy preys on this woman. Here are 3 ways guys tend to pick out easy women.

a. Overly flirtatious/friendly or physical - Yes there is a limit. We all know a girl like this. At parties, all the guys flock to her. There are always boys at her place. Has a different boy problem each week. Always touching a guy's elbow, locking his arm, leaning on his shoulder, or giving him hugs. In and of themselves, there's nothing wrong with any of this. A lot of girls are this way naturally and it's socially acceptable for the most part. However, socially acceptable doesn't necessarily mean normal and that's where the problems arise. This behavior sends the following message to a guy: "I'm looking for your attention". How much you engage in any of this behavior says how much of this attention you're looking for. Men, being the simple creatures we are, will then move to initiatory courtship behavior. Or if we're just horny (and all the aforementioned physical activity will aggravate this), we try to hook up with you as soon as possible.

b. Consistently immodestly dressed - Your dress and grooming are the first message you send to someone. As hot as it may be outside or as confident as you may be about how your body looks its not the only or even main message you send men when you leave it exposed. As sad as it may seem, girls who dress immodestly are mainly showing how much they're willing to give away for free. The message you send to a man is "This is how much I want your attention". And what kind of attention does this guy give you? Not the right kind and not with enough respect. Fair? Maybe. Maybe not. But that's a story for another day. The fact is that men are easily aroused. If our pants are too loose or too tight we become aroused. What do you think is happening when he views your scantily clad body? Because of this we're also more impulsive sexually. We will think with our loins if all our blood is flowing there. This is why most women think men are perverts, but fact is we're biologically wired this way. Color us perverts if that makes us so. The difference between a good man and every other guy, is the ability to bridle this cruel biological wiring. This doesn't excuse men from sexually impulsive behavior, but women don't make it easier when they choose to show more than necessary. A girl that seemingly needs our attention too much comes off as insecure and is a turn-off to any good man.

c. Your communication about men - Does it shock anybody that men actually pay attention to what you say about them individually or as a whole? We're very interested in what women think of us. We want to know what women find attractive, what they enjoy doing, and how to please them in every aspect of life because WE WANT WOMEN. This is where it gets a little tricky. The tone, language, and subject matter of a young lady's conversation about men could mark her as a target for less than decent men and a hazard for good men. Don't be so vocal about how "hot" you think a guy is, what you want to do to him when you're alone, how many guys you've made out with, how attractive you believe guys find you, etc. without expecting some scrutiny from us. I wouldn't use this language around anyone, but especially not around men. Any conversation is being silently marked; you are telling us what's important to you. So if you talk about hot guys and hooking up, we'll naturally assume that's what you want and you will have just marked yourself as a target for not so good men. Nothing tawdry, common, crude, or sleazy should come out of the mouth of a woman looking for a good man.

4. Don't actually believe in such a thing as a "good man".

Paradoxical, I know, but it happens all the time. Aside from a lot of good guys being just plain corny or vanilla, there are good men out there that are legit. When the women discussed here come across one of these men, she doesn't know how to respond. Some girls respond to this guy with a significant amount of hostility. "I can get my own door!", "I got myself here, I can get myself home", or "Just cuz you gave me a compliment doesn't mean you gettin' any of this good stuff" are among the kinds of responses to acts of kindness from a good man. Can't say I blame these girls. If you get hurt a lot or you're just a hottie, you tend to become suspicious of people's intentions. Other girls also not used to this kind of man will pretend he doesn't exist in the sense that good man = undatable. A girl's self-esteem has become so leveled that if a good guy comes along she'll assume that she can't have him because she believes she's not good enough or that his interest is purely platonic.

5. You have a savior complex

manifest in 3 forms

a. The "hard time" fixer

You see a guy who's going through a tough time or he's struggling with a significant personal issue and you just wanna "fix" him. Women by nature are nurturers. They pretty much turn into this guy's mother not realizing the task they've laid on themselves. This guy has some mountains to climb and it is not a good time for them to be starting anything with you. These men are very vulnerable and as such, their humbled and somewhat more permissive and polite temperaments should not be taken as genuine romantic interest.

b. The "socially awkward" fixer

At parties or other social events, you're that sweet girl who goes to talk to the guy who's standing in the corner or off to the side. One of my associates is this guy and here's what happened (and what usually happens with guys like him). He meets girl. Girl is only girl at this party he met. She's the only one who talked to him and took time to get to know him. My associate doesn't often get attention from girls let alone this kind of attention so he puts all his chips on girl. Since he's awkward and girl isn't interested, his attempts at initiatory courtship behavior are misunderstood and come off as creepy opening a whole 'nother canoworms.

c. The "girls are good people" fixer

This girl likes a challenge. She is somehow drawn to the guys that've had their hearts broken by some harlot and wants to show him that not all girls are mean tricks. There's a problem though. This guy is still hurting and if he's insecure enough to still be hurting over the last girl, he's also going to be insecure enough to be suspicious of you.

6. You chase men of high status

Everyone knows these people are eccentric including the girls that chase them, but you can't help it. There's something about the presence of a man that restaurants clear a table for. There's a reason celebrity relationships don't work. These men are used to having what they want when they want it and things simply go awry when they don't get it.

Case: One of my associates got set up on a date with a guy who's kind of a big deal. Good looking guy, successful, throws the biggest parties in Utah, MMA fighter, and owns a company. Didn't work out. Why? She wasn't necessarily chasing this guy, but what happened when they got together pretty much explains why I'm always a little cautious of any girl close to me dating a guy of high status: These guys have to be in control of everything - including you.

7. Emotionally Impulsive

Emotional immaturity and instability is a given and sort of the underlying factor to most of the previously mentioned problems. Impulsion, though perhaps viewed as a symptom of either, deserves special attention in my opinion. It keeps a person from wanting to talk or think about things and leaves critical decisions to the whim of a misguided emotion and it's not fair to you or those involved with you. Most women are pretty good at keeping their feelings in check when they're tested. Some are not. This issue turns a woman mean, whiney, or hysterical when her feelings are tested.

Case 1: One of my buddies has been dating a girl for a while that he fell in love with and told me he's never felt this way about a girl in his life. His girl spots a post on his facebook page from an attractive girl and sees him respond with a friendly tone. She proceeds to see what kind of correspondence these two have had in the past and finds some flirty exchanges between him and other females BEFORE they met or shortly after. This girl starts sending angry texts and then all sorts of drama ensues. Last I checked, he still hasn't calmed her.

Case 2: Shortly before my ex broke up with me, she tried kissing me in public. I freaked out a bit because I'm not used to that. I wasn't ashamed of her, but I've always understood that kind of thing to be impolite, though I didn't think about what that would mean to her. I apologized and everything realizing what I did hurt her feelings. Next day, she breaks up with me, only to make an effort to reconnect a few days after when the damage is still being done. I find out AFTER THE FACT this incident was what made her feel so uneasy, when in fact I still cared deeply about her. An emotional power struggle ensued that would last for the next year.

These are typically symptoms of women who've been emotionally scarred by love in the past or just plain have trust issues maybe due to relationships gone awry. As soon as they sense something amiss, they run, accuse, or close themselves off. Sometimes they're right and sometimes they're wrong, but they're always alone either way. Healing can happen for these women, but it's not a good man's job to facilitate it. Good men don't want a project.

8.  You don't take care of yourself
In all aspects of your life, but physically hasn't been covered thus far.  Most guys in general don't want a girl that doesn't take care of her body or make an effort to look presentable.  Most girls can't rock the no make-up look, so put it on if you look better with it on.  Go to the gym!  Not only will your body look better, but most guys like a girl  who take's care of herself.  Few things are less attractive to a guy than a girl who settles on what she has.

9.  Not "feminine"
I'm hesitant to put this one in here, too.  I've met women like this who are happily married to equally happy husbands.  Nonetheless, instances of such occurrences are few and far between and is a real turn-off. It's not really fair that a girl who doesn't fit society's mold of what a woman is should be deemed less than ready for masculine companionship, but that is the world we live in.
Case:  The female jock - Not to say all female jocks are like this, but this is the picture from high school that comes in my mind when I think of this type of girl. She stands with erect and defensive posture, rarely smiles, takes long quick strides with no hip movement, and maybe hawks phlegm in public.  Bottom line:  Most men are attracted to women who act like women.

10.  You intimidate men
I almost didn't want to put this in here for fear of all women reading this thinking they fell into this category, but to some of them it will apply.  This one is pushing it in my opinion, but is worth mentioning to those young ladies who find themselves single with none of the above applying to them.  Maybe you're really pretty, really smart, or way nice.  There are good men that feel like they don't measure up and won't try anything with you because of that.  Not your problem.  Don't change a thing.  

About the title

I work at a higher-end restaurant. As a server, I occasionally get phone numbers. One particular instance a young lady is so brazen as to call the restaurant, ask the hostess to take down her number and give it to me. I figure that kind of bravery shouldn't go unrecognized, so I text the girl and tell her I appreciate the compliment and I'll plan on getting at her after the holidays. Kid you not, this girl texts me back verbatim "no worries. I think you're a little too young for me."

I was certainly taken aback by such a response as this girl went lengths most girls wouldn't. And when she did she's going to pretty much tell me that she's not interested.

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot.
Couldn't help but laugh out of the confusion at a rather unusual situation. While talking to coworkers and friends about the whole thing, I asked "What is the opposite of mojo*? Cuz I have it." After several unsatisfactory responses, I settled on "nojo". The operational definition of nojo will from here on out be operationally defined as the repulsive sexual energy that radiates from an individual to others.

Where this nojo comes from will be the implicit subject of most posts.

*To my militant black friends: I'm well aware of the origins of the word "mojo" and intend no disrespect in my use of the word or my definition of the word.